In the midst of one of the worst days I've had in quite a while, which just happens to be at the tail end of one of the most horrible weeks I've had lately, I'm trying oh...so...hard to find a bit of peace in between photo assignments here at the paper. The picture above is from one of my favorite places, the Berkshires in Western Massachussetts, and I remember that day vividly. I went hiking with a friend in the snow on one of the mountains there (I'm blanking on the name). But OH! It was so beautiful and peaceful and quiet.
So many things have occurred this week and then, aside from a wonderful brunch with a dear friend this morning - my day completely unraveled. I don't like to cry at the office - and only have once (when I was working on a photo story about a cancer patient and his relationship with his daughter who was just 10 at the time - very emotional for me) but I just couldn't contain it today. I was assigned another emotional photo assignment, one of a few this week alone, and I guess too many times I hide my emotions behind the lens.
One of the cemeteries here has an annual Holiday Luminary Display where folks can come out and place a luminary at the grave of a loved one. Fresh and still raw from losing Mrs. Jessie and with thoughts of my dad since the holidays are here, it's a bit hard for me to hold back the tears when talking with others who have also experienced the pain of losing a loved one. The gentleman in the photo above just lost his 10 month old daughter a few months ago. I cannot imagine the pain and pray I never do. Before I left, I placed a luminary at my dad's grave and Mrs. Jessie's grave too. It's a really hard thing to justify photographing someone in the midst of their grief. Yet, I had a job to do and struggled greatly while doing it.
>>Pause my writing to shoot the basketball game<<
So, now that I'm at the tail end of my day, I really just cannot wait to go home and just be. (I'm waiting for some technical stuff to be finished on the paper's website so I can link up the pictures and finish the day.) I really don't think, at this point, I even have the energy to reflect upon the day anymore -- but I found myself crying out to the Lord that I just don't have it in me to be strong anymore. I so want things to change for myself - but shouldn't I be content in where God has me today? Or is the Lord confirming my current path to change through this discontent? Jeese, do I even make any sense??? All I know is, I am not strong enough to work three jobs at one time, yet every three months it seems, all three jobs I work have their busy time all at the same time.
All I'm hoping for now is some rest and renewal and perhaps a lull in the chaos that is my life right now.
2 comments:
Amber,
You have quite a way of expressing yourself. I have been praying for you and plan to continue to do so. Eventually, God's children do see Him in the middle of the storm...he tells us we will find him when we seek "with all your heart". Keep seeking Him in the midst of these circumstances!
Thank you Carol for your encouragement. I see a pattern in myself that I pray the Lord works out in me soon - and that is that I go and do, and run and run and leave Him out of the process. He allows me to do that until I wear myself so thin and then He brings me to the end of myself until I cry out to Him - knowing that I can't do it anymore. When in all truth - I can't do it at all. I'm thankful that He hasn't given up on me and given me over to my sin. And I pray that I learn to be more consistent and focused on Him so that through Him I can break this cycle that my flesh seems to be addicted to.
Thank you for your prayers Carol. I know I don't tell you as much as I should, but you are such an incredible blessing to me and the Lord has used you so much to bring renewal and joy to my spirit. Thank you for being such a willing and faithful vessel for the Lord.
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